Why Are Open-Ended Questions So Powerful?

Open-ended questions are the stealthy stage-setters of good communication.  They subtly invite artful conversation in which words can flow and ideas can be freely expressed.  Imagine watching a martial arts demonstration where the opponents are dancing in flow as they spar with each other versus one where an opponent keeps forcefully blocking the other and throwing aggressive moves.  In the second example, the artistic energy is lost.  

When we use closed questions that only require a yes or no answer, we block or stop the energy of the conversation.  This can be a useful tool if used mindfully when we need to end a conversation, move a client towards a decision or keep communication brief.  However, in order to connect with clients, friends and family, we need to ask open-ended questions.

Think about how differently you feel and respond to someone asking you, “how are you feeling about that meeting?” versus, “are you okay?”  The first is an example of an open-ended question; it encourages honesty, self-reflection and creativity because the person responding can’t just slip by with a closed yes or no.  It also shows compassion and curiosity versus judgment.  

“Open-ended questions create space to connect.”  -John Gottman

How do open-ended questions connect us?  First of all, we feel like the person asking cares enough to hear our answer.  Anytime someone feels heard, they begin to feel connected.  This does require that active listening will follow the open-ended question, where the asker is actively engaged through body language, eye contact and responding with further clarifying questions or repeating back what they heard.  But ultimately, it begins with the question.  

Interestingly enough, formulating open-ended questions requires reconnaissance: an astute level of listening and paying attention prior to asking the question.  You must have gathered enough information about the person you are speaking with to pose an open-ended question.  For example, at a networking event, you may notice someone standing alone at the drink stand.  You approach them and have already gathered based on their body language, position and environment that they are: 1. thirsty, 2. introverted/uncomfortable in large groups, 3. any information you’ve inferred about their appearance.  An open-ended question you could ask to break the ice might be, “How did you become a member here?” or “Why do you think they provided such tiny drinking cups?” Notice that “how” and “why” are great starters for open-ended questions.  In leading with “how” and “why” when first meeting someone, you’ve begun forging a connection immediately by showing interest in them or something they’re doing.

Another open-ended approach is, “Tell me more…”  This keeps a conversation going and shows your interest and curiosity, and there is nothing storytellers and people eager to share their knowledge like more!  For an excellent book of story-driven essays on this and other helpful communication topics, check out Tell Me More: Stories About the 12 Hardest Things I’m Learning to Say by Kelly Corrigan. 

When we ask someone to tell us more, it also demonstrates open-mindedness and can be used in situations where you may disagree with something someone says, but you want to remain connected and are open to learning more about their perspective.  “Tell me more…” builds bridges and helps people feel like their story matters.  From a business perspective, it is the golden ticket to getting more information from your clients in order to provide the highest value service you can to help them.  They will often reveal information to you that you could not have discovered with any number of targeted or strategic questions, simply because you showed interest and opened the door for them to walk through.  In short, “tell me more…” builds trust.

Open-ended questions and “tell me more” are important not only for how they connect us, but also for how they further communication.  They keep the conversation moving forward by demonstrating continued engagement and critical thinking.  In asking open-ended questions, you show the person you are communicating with that you are paying attention.  In an age of digital distractions, paying attention has become a precious commodity and a rare skill, especially in communication.  Conversations are often reduced to “sound bites” or whatever you can work in edgewise between constant interruptions.  Focusing on asking open-ended questions requires your attention and commitment to the person you are communicating with.  I challenge you to ask one open-ended question of a colleague, client or family member today, and pay attention to how the conversation unfolds.

Below are some more examples of open-ended questions for both business and personal situations that I’d invite you to try:

• How did your interview go?

• Why did you choose to renew your subscription?

• What goals are most important for you to accomplish in this meeting?

• How is your website working for you?

• Why is this the best course of action?

• How are your friends doing today?

• Why do you look sad/happy/annoyed?

• How did you feel most loved today?

• Why did you make that choice?

• What do you most need in this moment?

I will add that when asking questions that begin with “why,” it’s important to check your judgment at the door and truly ask with a mindset and tone of curiosity.  If “why” questions are asked accusingly, it often results in defensiveness from the other party and disconnection, rather than connection.  When asked openly, however, “why” can be one of the most powerful words we have for understanding another’s motives and values.

Marketing content often tells us what to fear or what we are missing to evoke a sense of FOMO.  However, I believe most of us are smart enough to see through these tactics and would rather be asked open-ended questions about what we need and want to determine for ourselves if a product or service is a good fit for us.  At least I know I would.  I’m much more likely to purchase and enjoy a product or service if I feel like I exercised critical thinking and choice in the matter; I’m more invested in the purchase this way.  It feels more personal.  

I believe businesses are always communicating something to their clients and customers; the question is how are they communicating it?  Is it in an open-ended, close-ended or entirely different way?  Are they inviting you to dance and think for yourself, or are they blocking your individuality and telling you what to think and do?  Or somewhere in between?  Pay attention to the messaging you receive on a daily basis and how it makes you feel.  I believe the greatest power of open-ended questions lies in the freedom they encourage in all involved to think for themselves.

While business can be a fantastic place to explore and experiment with communication, it is in the home where we see the most immediate effects.  How do you communicate with your partner, your children, your close friends?  How do they communicate with you?  What differences do you notice - in yourself and others - when asking closed versus open-ended questions?  Words have power, and how we use them determines what sort of power they yield.  They possess the power to help, heal, hurt, influence, and connect.  However, they are tools only.  You are the one wielding the tools.  How will you use your words?     

-As a business owner or creator (I believe we all create in some form), how do you communicate with your clients/customers/family?  

-As a consumer, how do you respond to open-ended communication about what you consume (think media, services, products)?