The Warrior and the Nun
There are two spirits guarding my heart at the moment: a warrior and a nun*. Both serve to protect me in their own unique ways. The warrior protects me from physical, emotional and mental harm, while the nun protects the peace I have rediscovered and cultivated recently. They began to show up strongly over the past 4 months since my husband-at-the-time and I decided we would divorce. They each serve an important purpose, and I am grateful for them every day. While they are essential in enforcing self love right now during this time of recovery and healing, I question whether they may inadvertently protect me from love in the long run.
I am writing this personal post from a place of vulnerability and a mindset of curiosity to further understand the workings of my heart. Why has it posted these two guards? Have they always protected me and I simply wasn’t aware of it until recently? Or did they just show up recently when my heart felt under attack, exhausted and broken beyond repair? To better identify and understand them, my conscious mind has assigned them avatars: Michelle Yeoh (of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon & Everything Everywhere All At Once) and Pema Chodron (Buddhist American nun). They are doing an excellent job infiltrating my consciousness because I feel on a daily basis equal parts badass fighter and calm spiritual seeker. It can be confusing, but mostly it feels like they balance me and my emotions. At this time, I welcome them, need them and am stronger because of them.
We all have multiple parts of ourselves (see Internal Family Systems, or IFS, evidence-based psychotherapy by Richard Schwartz for a deep dive on this), and these two protectors of my heart have just recently stood out to me as critical to this stage in my life. It almost feels as though they were lying in wait, ready to report for duty, which makes sense if they are each a part of me. The interesting thing about these parts is they do not know how old I am and might still be acting as though they are responding to childhood trauma or other times in my life when I activated my warrior part or my nun part to protect or calm myself. Therefore, while they are serving a role now, eventually I will need to help them transform so I can move on and live freely and consciously without the level of intensity they hold now while protecting my heart.
The warrior is strong, courageous and hypervigilant. She has put herself in charge of blocking anyone and anything that might hurt me, to such an extent that I have been strangely feeling nothing when I witness love scenes or see beautiful people walk by. And when I see fight scenes or witness injustice in the world, I feel a full body call to fight. If home, I storm out to my punching bag to release the energy so I can think clearly and move forward. I fully understand that part of the warrior’s job is to identify anyone attempting to enter my life and discern whether or not they are safe. She can be a bit extreme in her responses, but she is great at what she does; I definitely feel safe. In addition to protection, she offers activation and courage so much so that I credit her largely with the building of this business. This is the time for action, focus and determination; she is my guide and bodyguard, keeping me on the narrow path and anyone or anything who might be a distraction off.
The nun within is always meditating, soothing, healing. She is constantly reminding me of my own inner peace amidst any outer turmoil. As Pema Chodron said, “Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” The nun is breath, heartbeat, one foot in front of the other, the sunrise each morning and the sunset each night. She rides the ebb and flow of the universe with grace and ease. She is observant and notices whenever my attention is pulled by that which does not serve my higher purpose. She comforts me when I feel lost and sits with me in the darkness. She can go to extremes like the warrior, especially when I feel like moving, doing, achieving, and she says, “shhhh, slow down, be still, listen.” Like the warrior, the nun is a protector, but instead of protecting from, she is protecting what I hold most dear: my peace.
The warrior and the nun are here to help me bear the burdens of the heart, of being human and living life, and they not only protect me; they also protect each other. They are deeply connected to each other and my higher Self. Therefore, I would be hurting myself if I tried to get rid of them or demonized them. Instead, it feels true to listen to them. What wisdom do they have to share? How can I help them transform into less intense versions and appreciate how they help me in my daily life?
Overall, I am learning that less judgment is needed: of myself, of my parts and of the world around me. When I release judgment, I make room to listen. Feeling heard is essential to connection, integrity, and love. So I am asking the fierce warrior and the gentle nun within what each of them has to say and really listening. Their whispers led me to journal about them and then to write this post, and so far, I love where they are leading me and am curious to see how they transform as I listen and reassure them as time goes by that I am okay. Who knows? The warrior might start taking naps and the nun might go wandering in the woods. As for me, my Self, I am relieved to have made friends with them both and to know I can call on them whenever they are needed.
*not to be confused with a new show on Netflix titled, Warrior Nun, which I noticed after writing this post. :)
What inner parts of you are asking to be heard? Do you feel like they help or hinder you?
