On Connections: Lost, Gained & Maintained

So much of the life we live is predicated on the connections we have with others, both personal and professional.  Although our world is more connected digitally than ever before, technology also has an isolating effect with so many heads down and fingers tapping on phones or laptops. Instead of seeing each other, shaking hands and connecting with all of our senses, we are often observing or entering information on a screen with little to no interaction.  Because of the constant distractions of technology, I would argue that our authentic connections with others are more important than ever before.  Knowing this, how can we restore lost connections, gain new connections and maintain the ones that matter to us now?

I am a huge fan of the word, “why,” firstly, because I am curious by nature, and secondly, because asking it takes us to the roots of the tree whose shade we are seeking; it reveals the essential underlying meaning.  So why is connection important in the first place?  Whether you identify as introverted or extraverted, I would venture to guess you value a meaningful connection with another person, if not several people.  We are social creatures afterall, and we need to feel cared for and important, or worthy, to more than just ourselves.  Many have asserted that life is much better when shared.  There is an expansion of joy, love and consciousness through shared experiences: at work, at home, at play, even when traveling.  This translates, for me, to an expansion of Self, a way of sharing my gifts with others and receiving their gifts as well.  And when our gifts complement each other, a meaningful connection is born.  

The early days of meaningful connections, whether budding friendships, stellar work relationships or romantic partners, all seem to share a similar optimism.  Most of us are familiar with the “honeymoon phase” at the beginning of a new relationship, but many of us don’t consider that most meaningful connections, work-related and platonic included, share this same early eagerness to see only the good.  I know I have had bosses, friendships and relationships that began with stars in my eyes and melodic music in my ears, only to discover several months in that there were red flags I was painting green.  Whether of our own volition or the other person’s, we may eventually lose these connections that are misaligned.  And though there may be confusion or even grief, I’ve found in my life that it is a healthy release.  At the time, we may be kicking and screaming, but in the end, hopefully we will be able to see how a particular connection was doing us more harm than good.  Not all of us are meant to work together or be friends; that is what makes true connections that much more valuable when we do find them.  

I recently reconnected with an old friend who I have not been in touch with for 15 years.  She had been one of my best friends in middle and high school and was a bridesmaid in my first wedding.  Yet for some reason, once I married, moved away and started a family, we lost our connection.  Then on a whim, I added her email address to the list receiving the announcement that I had launched my new website last month, and she responded!  We were both so surprised and thrilled to be back in touch, and we have had two long, delightful video calls catching up on our lives over the past 15 years.  We have both agreed we want to maintain our connection now, and it was the greatest gift I received this holiday season to be back in touch with her.  She showed me it is never too late to reconnect with someone you care about. 

If there is a connection you’ve lost that you wish you could restore, that may require some inner work.  Is an apology needed?  Is forgiveness, of yourself or another, needed?  Empathy?  Or perhaps, it is simply a matter of reaching out after a long hiatus to restore the connection, like my friend and I did.  Take action instead of living in doubt and inertia.  I know I often build up imaginary responses others might have in my head, when in reality, the response they may actually have is much simpler (and often kinder than the inner critic that lives in my brain).  If this sounds like you, just pick up the phone!  Or send the text or email!  If a connection is worth restoring, it is worth taking action on.  If it is not, do whatever inner work you must to let it go.

The beauty of letting go of connections with people whose values do not align with ours is that we make space to gain new connections.  I believe over time, if we are paying attention, we fine-tune our connection-seeker and naturally are drawn to like-minded people on a similar path.  If we get clear on what kind of connections we are seeking, they tend to show up for us.  In a recent workshop I attended about approaching this new year in a strategic way, the leader encouraged us to list out for our business exactly what type of clients, partners and mentors we desired for this coming year to meet our goals.  Only 10 days into the new year, I am happy to say the list is already serving me well!  The more clear you are on what sort of connection you are seeking, the better you will be at seeing it when it shows up, and I believe, the more precise the universe can be in providing it to you.  

Another way we can gain new connections is to give.  In my life, I have found that giving with no thought of getting is the only true way to give.  In modern day business networking, this often feels futile because so many people are looking to get something in return for whatever it is they are giving.  Even in relationships this can be true if a person values what they are getting from the relationship such as status, power, financial gain, etc., more than they value their partner.  I believe overall there is a natural order to things, and if we give, freely and truly, good will come to us.  But it cannot be the reason for giving in the first place; this defeats the purpose.  There are so many ways we can give to others that may form a new connection, including: our time, our energy, our money, our skills, our resources, our love, our words, our touch, our attention.  What do you have to give that you can give with no thought of getting something in return?

While gaining or forging new connections may feel difficult because it is venturing into new territory, maintaining the connections you already have can be equally difficult, but for different reasons.  Because we are each individuals, we each feel loved and connected in unique ways.  A big part of cultivating and maintaining a genuine connection is taking the time to listen and learn how the people you care about like to stay connected.  If it’s hard for you to remember to send a text, email, card or call someone, consider setting an alarm or adding it to your calendar so you are reminded at regular intervals.  I promise, scheduling does not take the magic out of connecting.  The person you are connecting with will feel special whether your action was spontaneous or planned.  In this case, it is the thought that counts - followed by action.  

Another way many people feel connected is sharing photos and stories on social media, but the key is the connection is only one-sided (and therefore not a connection) until a comment is shared and responded to.  This mini conversation can be a spark for greater connection.  Another obvious way to maintain a connection with a friend, colleague or loved one is to offer support.  Specific support is best when you know the person needs it (i.e. delivering a meal, helping with a project or lightening the load of home chores), but an offer of general support works too (i.e. a simple text that says, “I’m thinking of you and here for you.”) if you’re unsure what they might need.  We feel needed when we can support others, and conversely, it is a relief to have support when we need it. 

The connections we discover, foster and consciously keep fresh add meaning to our lives.  And ultimately our most important connection is with our higher Self and our Source (if you believe in a higher power; if not, simply our Self).  Connecting daily with our own body, mind and spirit fuels us to live a life of well-being and purpose.  When we are connected to the roots of our being, we find we naturally encounter, recognize and connect with other kindred spirits.  And when the stars align and life hands you a connection that is out of this world, like the one I have with my magical brother who is visiting now, put down the device, silence the phone, look them in the eyes, and connect.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on connection in the comments below.

P.S. If my words resonate with you and you’d like to connect with me professionally, I invite you to connect with me on LinkedIn.