The Struggle of Striving vs. the Art of Allowing
My word for 2023 is “allow.” I’ve been thinking a lot about what this means, and why I chose it as my word, my purpose, for this year. It’s a difficult word for me to embrace, primarily because I identify with achieving, striving, working hard and producing results. While none of these are bad in and of themselves, I feel a turning within me, something directing me towards a more efficient, peaceful, receptive way of being. I find that work gets done more quickly, more creatively and more joyfully when I’m in a headspace of allowing versus one of striving. I see our culture beginning to make this shift as well. There is still a heavy emphasis on productivity and striving, however more and more people are realizing those efforts are worth nothing if they are done at the cost of one’s own health, well-being and peace.
Merriam-Webster defines the intransitive verbs (meaning they have meaning on their own and don’t need an object to make sense) of strive and allow as follows. To strive is: 1. to devote serious effort and energy; endeavor, or 2. to struggle in opposition; contend. To allow is: 1. To make a possibility; admit, or 2. To give consideration to circumstances or contingencies, or 3. To give an opportunity; permit. In reality, we can always choose a combination of these two verbs and often do. There may be some time spent striving to choose just the right words for a pitch to a client, and then when the time comes to act on it, there may be a great deal of allowing. It is rarely an either/or choice. However, we can consciously choose a mindset of allowing in order to practice non-attachment to the outcome and feel peace with whatever happens.
A friend recently shared with me a beautiful concept: that we possess dominion of ourselves and our lives when we are spiritually centered and focused on our own purpose and efforts. However, we cross dominion when we tell others what they should do instead of allowing them to figure it out themselves. This was such an aha moment for me. How easy it is to slip into a mentality that we know best, or that we have knowledge to impart, whether with friends, family or colleagues. Yet, if we simply focus on owning our own story, as Brene Brown directs us to do, instead of trying to interject our opinions in the stories of others, we will naturally have dominion over our own lives and allow others to have the same. If someone asks for our input, then we are allowed to give it. But if it is given unasked for, we have crossed an unspoken boundary into another’s king or queendom.
Though it does not possess the “effort and energy” of striving, allowing is not a passive verb. It is, as the earlier definition states, “to make a possibility” or “to give an opportunity.” Both making and giving are active states of being. What we are making and giving in this case, though, is not tangible and feels a bit more paradoxical, like letting go. When we allow people and circumstances to be what they are, we give space for life to express itself freely. When we strive, however, we are often “struggling in opposition,” rather than creating space. This struggle, in many instances, is unnecessary and often creates more work and more drama.
The motives behind striving often stem from a sense of unworthiness. We may not feel like we are enough unless we are pushing, endeavoring, struggling. If we can present evidence that life is hard and we are powering through it, somehow it justifies the sense of victimhood and difficult circumstances we might find ourselves in. This is not to say people are not actually in difficult situations and going through hard times. They are. The difference between striving and allowing, however, is in the approach. The circumstances may be the same for two different people, but the one who allows will see and experience life in a very different way than the one who is endlessly striving.
Our tendency in a world that values productivity and profit is to chase the money, chase the numbers, chase the goals, chase the outcomes. However, I recently heard Kyle Cease, author of The Illusion of Money, discuss on a podcast how chasing anything actually fosters an energy of lack and makes whatever you are chasing run away from you. Alternatively, knowing we are enough and have enough creates an environment and a mindset that is ready to receive more. This is the mindset of allowing. Who would you rather spend time with: someone who is desperate for business and friendship OR someone who is confident in their business and friendships?
Recently, I witnessed this example of allowing play out in my life firsthand. I had been invited to an early morning exclusive networking group, but when I showed up, eager to shake hands and meet new people, I was immediately told there was a direct competitor who was already a member of the group so there was a conflict. If I had been in a mindset of striving, I would have either attempted to compete with her for business or perceived it as a waste of time. But I made a decision to allow the circumstances to unfold and be my most authentic self without feeling like I needed to chase business or struggle for recognition. Because I held fast to this mindset, I ended up making friends with the competitor (writers have got to stick together!) and catching the attention of the head of a different networking group who was visiting. She, in turn, invited me to attend her group the following morning, and I’m thrilled that I’ve now found my networking home - and met lots of extraordinary local business owners in the process!
Though this was a successful example of allowing for me, I definitely do not have a perfect score at allowing life to unfold. Every day is new, and I am learning to give myself grace on the days I fall back into striving mode, which still feels like my default. When I catch myself, and I’m able to switch my mindset to allowing, I find peace. Allowing is the work involved in healing, listening, receiving, channeling creativity and simply being. Eckhart Tolle writes about the significance of being versus doing in A New Earth, and it has stuck with me for over a dozen years since I first read that beautiful book. Because allowing involves making a conscious choice, it is both being and doing in nature - being aware that none of us are truly in control and doing what we can to create space for life to be expressed through us. Allowing feels like an art form to me - one in which I don’t know what the end result will be - which can make me feel fear from anxiety or enthusiasm at the prospect of adventure. The choice is up to me. The good news is that the more I allow, the more I trust the process of allowing.
How do you see yourself striving and allowing? How do they each serve you or hinder you?
